By: Ava Stanton
We are in the first half of our spring practice period, Living By Vow in Daily Life. For this period, as much as I can, I have a daily practice of bowing. Bowing is a great fit for me, for my personality, my weaknesses, for the encouragement of my practice. Bowing is a good expression of Vow for me.
I try to be intimate with my weaknesses. That is essential for a bodhisattva practice, wouldn’t you say? I tend to space out, so a moving, embodied practice is great for me. I do well with a beginning, middle and end (of what?), like a kid. I can engage with my discomfort, irritability and malaise when I bow. When there is peacefulness, I can offer it up, when I remember it is a gift, not a personal achievement. Bowing reminds me, in a “can do” kind of way, that my job is to turn toward, turn toward, “approaching (myself) with peaceful and attentive confidence.” (Meditation on Metta)
When I am finished bowing, I can see the part of me that wants to check things off a list, to “be done,” with kindness. At least I bowed today! The part of me that wants to engage, that wants order – I honor those needs in this practice. At the same time, here I am, a body moving, acknowledging the infinite awesome mystery, as I touch my forehead to the floor, and bow to it. Here, in this repeated gesture, part of something I will never understand, expressing gratitude in the face of the unknowable.
Katagiri Roshi’s poem on Vow starts:
Being told that it’s impossible,
One believes, in despair, “Is it so?”
Being told that it is possible,
One believes, in excitement, “That’s right.”
But whichever is chosen,
It does not fit one’s heart neatly.
Practicing with a vow allows us to not fall into self-criticism, despair, or self-aggrandizement, and to be kindly with this endless “not fitting.” He ends:
Just practice right here, now
And achieve continuity
Endlessly
Forever.
This is living in vow.
Herein is one’s peaceful life found.
Staying curious, practicing turning toward yourself with kindness, trying again – bodhicitta can arise and make peace with this endless not fitting.
I once met a nun, a Sister of St. Joseph of Carondelet, who was experiencing a second diagnosis of cancer and treatment. She told the support group, “I am saved. That doesn’t mean I am safe.” When we surrender “I” and substitute awareness that is not-knowing, we can perhaps glimpse what she meant. I don’t hear Catholic doctrine or belief, I hear Vow or bodhicitta or faith in action.
What practice are you choosing to help you bring Vow into your daily life?