By: Bob Zeglovitch
In the West, mettā is most commonly translated as as loving-kindness. This translation has a certain appeal—who wouldn’t want to develop love and kindness toward self and others? For those who have been raised in a Christian tradition, the injunction to love may feel familiar in a religious context. In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus says: “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” When we practice mettā, however, we may begin to feel a rub that comes from this common translation. It is not so easy to express love toward everyone. For instance, try as I might, I cannot really muster love for Donald Trump, or for Vladimir Putin. And, I’ll admit that I’m frankly a bit suspicious of someone who claims that they can (that is, other than one of their followers). There may be some wishful thinking at work, or a lack of clarity and/or truthfulness. The ultimate aim of mettā is to develop an impartial wish for happiness and good will toward all beings—so if our conception of mettā is that it means love, we may well have a hard time in cultivating this kind of heart/mind. In our lives, we tend to be partial toward people we love. We don’t see them impartially, as just like everyone else.
Thanissaro Bhikkhu reminds us that the Pali word for love is not mettā, but instead is pema. Mettā is instead related to the Pali word mitta, which means “friend.” Some commentators accordingly use the term friendliness for metta. For me, this is a little better but sort of runs into the same challenge posed by the word “love”—as in, I’m not friends with everyone. Thanissaro uses the word “goodwill” for mettā. He notes that there are two reasons why thinking of mettā as goodwill makes sense:
“The first is that goodwill is an attitude that you can express toward everyone without fear of being hypocritical or unrealistic, [and] [i]t recognizes that people become truly happy not as a result of your caring for them but as a result of their own skillful actions and that the happiness of self-reliance is greater than any happiness coming from dependency. The second reason is that goodwill is a more skillful feeling to have toward those who would react unskillfully to your loving-kindness. There are people who, when seeing that you want to express lovingkindess, would be quick to take advantage of it. There are also people you’ve harmed in the past who would rather not have anything to do with you ever again, so the intimacy of lovingkindness would actually be a source of pain for them.”
Thanissaro Bhikkhu, The Sublime Attitudes, page 17.
I appreciate Thanissaro’s realistic assessment. He says that when we extend thoughts of mettā to others, we are not offering to make them happy, as we might in a loving relationship, but rather are expressing the wish that they take responsibility for their happiness themselves. You are happy to provide help if there is anything that you can do, but you realize you can only do so much.
I don’t mean to knock love and loving-kindness! If your heart opens most readily by using lovingkindness rather than goodwill, by all means do what comes naturally. There are certainly times when that is true for me. I would just say that you might keep one eye open as to whether you are creating any unnecessary struggle within by trying to extend love where it is not naturally present, or in a situation where it is not the most skillful. Thanissaro comments, “[i]f you truly feel mettā for yourself and others, you can’t let your desire for warm feelings of love and intimacy blind you to what would actually be the most skillful way to promote true happiness for all.” The Sublime Attitudes, page 17.
We don’t have to feel “less than” if we acknowledge that we don’t love everyone. It is no mean feat to cultivate a heart/mind that moves in the direction of freely offering goodwill to all beings!
Note: For more on this theme, see the links to Thanissaro Bhikkhu’s free e-book The Sublime Attitudes, as well as his article in Lion’s Roar, “When Goodwill is Better than Love”, both of which are hyperlinked here.